MEET KAI

Kai's Eulogy -- 3.27.24

 

In the most beautiful way, I’ve been encouraged to see and embrace the sublime perfection in the darkest of moments. 

“There is no light without darkness.”

 

On Wednesday, March 13th at 8:30 AM, I lost the most precious everything in my life. My pure love, my wild joy, my effervescent sparkle, my comic relief, my spirit animal, my little light worker, and above all, my dear Aussie shepherd soul mate. 

I can’t even begin to describe the screams and pain that emerged from the depth of my being as I saw her get hit by a car and killed instantly. Neighbors poured out of their apartments as they painfully watched my friend Leigh and I crawling and screaming on our hands and knees in the middle of the street. You can’t help but rewind the actions before the incident and replay different scenarios in your head, but ultimately you have to surrender and trust that it’s completely out of our control and everything happened exactly as it should.

 

When Kai was 12 weeks old, a man at a coffee shop pulled me aside and said the most important command to teach her is STAY. He had lost his Aussie Shepherd at 6 years old because she got run over by a UPS truck chasing it and I never forgot those words. I engrained that command in her and Kai ALWAYS froze when I said it, her little eyes patiently waiting, looking up at me anxiously anticipating the word OK. As I opened the car door, completely out of character, Kai chose not to listen to that command, and snuck out quickly, right before I had the chance to close it. I thought the car along side me had stopped, but instead she kept driving and driving…

 

Reconnecting with Kai in January felt as though our love had expanded exponentially and I couldn’t stop saying, “How in the world did I just live 8 months without you, my all time favorite little being!” As I began my integration back in LA, I found it jarring and difficult, missing the presence and simplicity of the people and life I was fortunate enough to have experienced recently. Kai has never been one to cuddle, but since I’ve been back, she’s been filling my world with literally extra helpings of everything love. On the daily I would find myself saying, “Kai! You’ve been holding out on me! I never imagined there was more love in that little body of yours to give, but you’re seriously outdoing yourself these days!” On Monday we went for a run and it was like everywhere I turned, people were looking at us in awe of the joy we both exuded. I was running late and tried to skip the beach part, but she was adamant we go. Her face so fiercely expressive, how could I say no? I let her loose and she herded the sea gulls, racing back to me with a glowing smile and a face full of kisses. God I LOVE that face! Back home, I became overwhelmed with feelings of love for her like my heart and chest were going to explode. It felt extra special for some reason, as did the morning of the 13th. She slept super close to my face all night, making sure a part of her body was always touching mine. I remember waking up saying, “What is with you these days? Where has all this extra love and cuddles been?”

 

For those that were fortunate enough to have spent even a moment of time in Kai’s presence, you know how incredibly special she was. She whipped you up in her delicious joy, always leaving you craving for more. She left an indelible mark on every single person she touched. She was extraordinary and showed up in this world in a big way, with a big purpose with an even bigger heart. I felt so lucky that we found each other, that I got to be number one on the receiving end of all this immense love. Our bond undeniable, she was without a doubt, my dog. We had the same facial expressions, we looked alike, we’re both feisty, fearless, loved adventure and had energy for days! She owned every moment, ultimately showing up in my life to teach me just that. She was my guide and took me on the quintessential adventure to finding my freedom. I now laugh thinking I called her my co-pilot, because in actuality, I was hers. 

 

Every day I’d relish a moment when Kai picked someone new that needed her special love. I’d step back, watch the magic unfold and then wait for them to look back up at me and say, “How did she know I needed this today?” I’d smile and say, “I don’t know. She just does. That’s what Kai does.”

 

This time last year, I asked the Universe to help me crack my heart wide open. A person dear to me said, “You are like a Ferrari stuck in first gear and your entire torso is locked up, protecting your heart.”  As much as I thought I was open to receiving love, I’ve now realized that my container wasn’t anywhere close to receiving the capacity for this kind of love. I’ve never known love to this depth, this pain, this grief..

 

I started my spiritual journey 7 years ago, Kai turned 7 in December and it’s not lost on me the significance of the 7 year cycle. This year, specifically, has been nothing short of transformative. Since Covid, I’ve been on a deep quest for big change, literally feeling like I’ve been on the precipice of a radical shift.  On Tuesday the 12th, I walked out of a session shedding the old version of me and the shift I’d been looking for, happened. I felt free. The predestined moment that sparked losing Kai goes far beyond my comprehension and so I’m going to believe that Kai was a fragmented sparkle of my soul and her job here in the 3D world came to completion. She chose to leave me knowing I was ready to take over the reigns, her sparkle reintegrated and a part of me now wherever I go. Instead of her loss becoming a dark hole in my heart, I’m choosing instead to see it as an expansive portal to the new me. 

 

The genuine love and support I’ve received from literally everyone in my life, including strangers that just experienced her joy for the first time last week, has blown me away. It’s obliterated every passing thought I had that left me feeling doubtful about being back in Los Angeles. Everyone has taken care of Kai and I in the most beautiful and loving way and I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. 

 

As I try to navigate this painful process with grace, I find it funny to think that Kai never shredded anything. No socks, no shoes, no toys, nothing. She was as gentle as can be with everything and everyone, but she tore my heart all the way open. 

Thank you Kai for navigating me back to finding my love and joy and for teaching me the most beautiful lesson in unconditional love. 

 

Kai : There weren’t enough I love you’s in a day for you! I miss squeezing you and seeing your epic face just light up! What I wouldn’t give for a face full of wiggling kisses, even with that crazy, little sneaky tongue! I love you SO much! 

Thank you for choosing me.

You knew what you were doing. 

You are not gone, you are ever more present. Always.

 

My Kai, my angel, my little bumble bee..

Fly free with me and be. 

3.13.2024

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